Do you often find yourself arguing with your partner, only to feel lost, lonely, or disconnected afterward? You’re not alone. Many couples I work with describe this exact pattern — ongoing tension followed by emotional distance. There can be many reasons behind these feelings, but today I want to focus on one powerful but often overlooked factor: oxytocin, the “love hormone,” and how increasing it can help rebuild connection. What Is Oxytocin and Why It Matters Oxytocin is a

In relationships, conflicts often arise from underlying needs or desires. Understanding these can help couples address the root causes of their disagreements. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, there are three primary categories that people fight for: Power and Control: This involves the need to influence decisions, assert one's opinions, or maintain autonomy within the relationship. Conflicts may manifest when partners struggle over who makes decisions or how respons

If you and your partner have been arguing more, growing apart, or feeling like you're stuck in the same painful patterns, you're not alone. Many couples find themselves wondering, "Where did our connection go?" or "Why does it feel like we’re just not on the same page anymore?" A meta-emotion mismatch is a frequent for cause for these disconnected feelings between partners. The good news is that disconnection doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. There’s a type o

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) identifies negative interaction patterns that couples often fall into, commonly described as a pursue/withdraw cycle. In this dynamic, one partner (the pursuer) seeks closeness, often through criticism or demands, while the other partner (the withdrawer) retreats to maintain a sense of security. This cycle can lead to feelings of hurt, loneliness, rejection, and inadequacy. Reflect on the following to understand your negative interaction patt

Why Do Relationships Fail? There are several reasons that relationships fail, and they are usually related to one of these 4 underlying conditions: Re-triggering of emotional trauma without repair. Lack of skills to create the kind of teamwork needed for a relationship with so many interdependencies. Lack of role models or emotional support for new behavior. One or both partners are emotionally underdeveloped – or they may be unable to be accountable. How Can These 4 Conditio

Flooding AKA: fight or flight/being mad or angry is the response of our body to threat. It's helpful for surviving tiger attacks...Less helpful when trying to figure out who drops the kids at school. The goal in moving through conflict, is to create space for taking breaks to attack the problem with our cognitive brain rather than a purely emotional response. We want to remain feeling more connected with our partner rather than feeling disconnected. Here's one process for do

Couples therapy is demanding. It requires vulnerability, courage, and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths within both yourself and your relationship. Many couples come into therapy expressing a desire for change, but when faced with the reality of the work ahead, they realize they’re not fully prepared. This can lead to disappointment when therapy doesn’t meet their initial hopes or expectations. For couples therapy to be effective, both partners must set clear

I'll frequently ask couples "so what are your rituals of connection?" and often receive a blank stare. So I thought it might be nice to explain exactly what a ritual of connection is, and how they contribute to relationship satisfaction, and how a lack of them can contribute to relationship dissatisfaction. Let's look at the What, Why, and How of these rituals. First the technical overview in counsellor speak: Building and maintaining a strong, satisfying relationship involv

Navigating Criticism and Defense in Relationships In the intricate dance of a romantic relationship, disagreements and conflicts are inevitable. How couples handle these moments can profoundly impact the health and longevity of their partnership. The Gottmans' research-based approach emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing criticism and defense, two common dynamics that, left unchecked, can erode the foundation of relationships. I regularly see the criticism-d

Active listening, is an important skill for interacting with partners, children, coworkers, and friends. By engaging in active listening skills, we can often avoid painful conflict and reduce our own emotional response to distressing or surprising information. It also helps us calm the emotional responses of others. When we attune, pay attention, mirror and paraphrase, people feel understood and that calms the emotional centres of the brain and results in clearer thinking an

META-EMOTION MISMATCH One of my most frequently used interventions in Gottman Method Couples Counselling is exploring meta-emotion mismatches. So what is meta emotion? It's how you feel about feelings. Specifically, negative emotions like sadness, fear, loneliness, and anxiety. People generally fall into one of two groups: Emotion Solvers Emotion Voicers I’ll explore these more in depth but can you guess which styles applies to you and which applies to your partner? Emotion S

What is couples counselling? And what happens during the process? Many couples and individuals have heard of couples/marriage counselling but they often wonder what actually happens during the process? The short answer is: it depends on the couple and their issues. However, I will review some commonalities that apply to most couples and provide some basic clarity on the general process of therapy. I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy to assess and identify relationship issues