Do I Matter? Understanding Relationship Conflict

In relationships, conflicts often arise from underlying needs or desires. Understanding these can help couples address the root causes of their disagreements. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, there are three primary categories that people fight for:

1. Power and Control: This involves the need to influence decisions, assert one's opinions, or maintain autonomy within the relationship. Conflicts may manifest when partners struggle over who makes decisions or how responsibilities are divided.
   

2. Closeness and Care: This pertains to the desire for emotional intimacy, affection, and validation. Disputes can occur when one partner feels neglected or perceives a lack of emotional support from the other.
   

3. Respect and Recognition: This relates to the need for acknowledgment, appreciation, and being valued. Tensions may arise when individuals feel undervalued or unappreciated in the relationship.
   

By identifying which of these categories a conflict falls into, couples can better understand each other's perspectives and work towards resolving issues more effectively. Recognizing the underlying needs driving disagreements fosters empathy and paves the way for healthier communication patterns.

Many times it isn’t always clear which category a conflict falls into . One partner will say “closeness is fine we spend a lot of time together” while the other partner might say “Yeah we spend a lot of time together but it doesn’t feel meaningful”. So drilling down on how each individual understands and conceptualizes these three categories is important. 

Individuals also express expectations and work towards these categories in different ways within the relationship. For instance a difference in meta-emotion often leads to different desires for closeness and care, especially when solving emotionally charged topics.

In couples sessions we work to clarify the blurriness around conflict to get really clear on how to effectively meet the needs of both partners in all three categories. Leading to increased satisfaction and a decrease (over time) of unproductive conflict. 

If you feel like clarifying categories could help you and your partner, I invite you to book in online or call the clinic at 250-362-5035.