Flooding AKA: fight or flight/being mad or angry is the response of our body to threat. It's helpful for surviving tiger attacks...Less helpful when trying to figure out who drops the kids at school.
The goal in moving through conflict, is to create space for taking breaks to attack the problem with our cognitive brain rather than a purely emotional response. We want to remain feeling more connected with our partner rather than feeling disconnected. Here's one process for doing that:
a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation. Use a truce word_______________________ agree on a word that gets used when you are starting to feel flooding setting in. Use the word for yourself not to shut your partner down. Example: “I’m feeling flooded BANANA PANTS, I’ll be back in 30 min but I’m going for a walk now”
NOT: “BANANA PANTS you need to go for a walk and leave me alone”
b) The partner who uses the truce word needs to give a time that they will get back together again to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours. If it goes beyond 24 hrs we are falling into the realm of emotional abuse and we want to avoid this. Example: “I’m feeling flooded BANANA PANTS, I’ll be back in 30 min but I’m going for a walk now”
NOT: "I'm leaving...."
c) The couple should then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.
d) During the break, each partner should do something self-soothing that takes their minds off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, practicing nervous system calming activities: breathing exercises, vagus nerve activation, or stretching etc. It's important that the partners do not think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded. If you are unsure of how to self soothe please ask for my self-soothing guide.
e) Partners should return to talk together at the time they designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, he or she should still return, but then ask for a specified additional amount of time in order to fully calm down. Example: “I’m still really pissed and don’t feel like I can effectively talk about it yet, I’m going to go do some yoga”
NOT: "You are just such a pain in the ass I can never talk to you"
f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.
g) If no matter how much you try you get flooded it may be best to limit conflict to our sessions where I can walk you through responding to each other more effectively in real time and discussing the dynamics between the two of you.
To book sessions you can do so online at: https://app.outsmartemr.com/online-booking/2923/gaberoywright
Or by calling the clinic at 250-362-5035 and Shannon, the office manager, can book you in.
If this article spoke to you you may appreciate this one on Meta-emotion mismatch
Comments